On this National Coming Out Day

I don't regard my story as particularly remarkable, but it is my own. Even now I think that coming out at 15 was the bravest and/or most foolish thing I've ever done. By then both the American Psychiatric Association and American Psychological Association stopped regarding homosexuality as a mental disorder, but I lived in the oblivious bubble of a 1970s Midwestern town. I wasn't aware that anyone I knew was gay, although I learned otherwise in later years.

I had already realized I was gay. I didn't think that it made me mentally ill or an abomination, just more of an outsider. The tough part was bracing myself for other people's reactions. Telling the first two friends was agonizing. They barely reacted, but I suppose a lack of animosity was better than nothing. Back then there was no HRC to publish A Straight Guide to GLBT Americans.

I did think being kicked out of my home was a very real possibility. I asked one of my teachers whether I could crash on his couch if that happened, wrote "the letter" to my parents, and handed it to my mother. It wasn't long before I panicked and retrieved the letter. My father hadn't seen it yet and I pled with her not to tell him. She agreed. Then outed me to him anyway. He outed me to my brother—it was up to him to "carry on the family name."

When my father approached me to talk I was afraid of what he'd do, but he only asked whether I wanted to change. I said no. I wish I'd been able to express myself better, although I doubt anything would have changed. As it was, he turned his back to me without speaking another word and walked away. I wasn't kicked out. I was sent to a psychologist who, although brusque and dismissive, told me that there was nothing wrong with me. Hah.

Coming out wasn't a one-time thing and it was initially difficult, but it's been worthwhile. Thirty years have passed. Are people are still told that they're too young to know that they're gay, lesbian, bi, or trans when they come out? Or that they're just doing it for attention? I got both of those. I do believe it's wise to take others' opinions of you with a block of salt. There is certainly no lack of people who demonstrate their willingness to diminish others through their own indifference, ignorance, or fear.

I've read that hate crimes are on the rise, but two studies released today also find that more Americans know someone who is gay, lesbian, bi, or trans, and that is leading to increased support of GLBT equality.

Deciding when to come out and to whom is a very personal decision. Straight people come out, too, as GLBT allies. In any case, it's also something you do more than once—sexual orientation and gender identity are subjects that resurface throughout our lives. And to some extent, coming out is releasing a genie that can't easily be put back in the bottle.

These days, being matter-of-fact about my sexual orientation works best for me. In conversations where I choose to contribute personal information, I mention my partner, our family, and helping gay teens as naturally as I do other aspects of my life. As fundamental and significant as being a gay man is to me, it is not the sum total of who I am.

If you're thinking about coming out, I suggest collecting your thoughts and framing the conversation as thinking enough of the person to be honest with him/her. Look at what the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays (PFLAG), or the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) has to offer. They can provide information, encouragement, and support. (PFLAG has helped people find us when they needed a place where it is safe to be who they are.) Above all, lead your own life—not one that isn't of your own choosing, not a lie that someone else thinks you should tell the world.

Tags: National Coming Out Day